Sunday, October 16, 2005

Here's my homie Johnny Black Russian trying to squeeze into a children's Teletubby costume. It was Halloween, and me, Johnny and by buddy Creepy didn't have costumes. We dropped by a pharmacy and picked up the only thing they had. Here we are trying to get into them:

You'll notice Creepy (on the left) has made the curious decision to wear his children's costume directly on top of his underwear. That remained unnerving for the rest of the night.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

A man in North Dakota proposed to his girlfriend by plowing the offer into a field.

Americans have too much food. Imagine how pissed you'd be if you lived in Sudan and you saw this picture. "I would have eaten that!"

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Fantasia, singer of the number four ranked song on my iPod ("Truth is...mana mana ma manaaah, truth is.."), has just released this wonderful memoir. I say released instead of wrote, because as you may know, she reveals in the book that she's functionally illiterate. Twenty one years old, can't read.

She dedicated the book to her ghostwriter. I'm not shitting you, she did.

In an interview, she said one of the hardest things about being illiterate was "You're illiterate to just about everything," which sounds like something an illiterate person might say.

Maybe I'm a jerk for making fun of her, but who cares? She's never gonna read this.

Ha ha. I think the American public school system is awesome.

Here's a fun factoid - about 90 million Americans (55% of the adult population) are functionally illiterate. That's from the National Adult Literacy Survey in 1993. Now, assuming that half the adult population hasn't been striving to get their read on in the past 12 years, it's safe to say it's around the same level now.

Usually, I'd like to tell some kind of joke here, but I think this bears repeating - according to the National Adult Literacy Survey in 1993, 90 million Americans are illiterate. That's 90 million, which when written out looks like this: 90,000,000. That's the number of people who can't read. In America.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Check this thing out. It's a massive reflective, uh, bean in Chicago's Millenium Park. Before we realized how it worked, my friends and I spent a lot of time taking close-up pictures like this one...

"Ho, snap, people are gonna freak out when they see this! We're being REFLECTED in the chrome. It's gonna look like we're in front of a mirror! ...oh, um, yeah. It's gonna look like we're in front of a mirror.

"Let's get some wide angle shots."

Also, it took us a while to figure out that if we held the camera to our eye to line up the picture, we'd end up with pictures of us taking pictures. You know, like when you were 7 and you didn't know how mirrors worked.


Thursday, October 06, 2005

This guy is awesome. Before Game 7 of the NBA Finals last year, this guy went and got a tattoo saying the Pistons were the champs. But then the Spurs won. Oops.

I think you have an empty life if you're bragging about other people's accomplishments on your arm. This is particularly true when they are non-accomplishments. If you're going to get an obvious lie tattooed on your arm, wouldn't it be something that could help you out, day to day? Like 'I make $250,000 a year' or 'I gave at the office'?

How angry is this guy at the Pistons, though? Those guys owe him one. It'll probably suck the joy out of every Pistons game for him. "The Pistons won!" "You're goddam right they one. Those fuckers better win every game till the end of June - they owe me!"

I have to go now. I have to get my "Rudy Huxtable - Hottest Girl Ever" tattoo removed. I got it when I was 11.


Monday, October 03, 2005

I had an audition today for a Molson Canadian commercial. I had been sent the script in advance, but when I got there, they had changed it to a whole different commercial. Which didn't react well with my low level skillz. So I went into the audition room, do my line recital, and the guy says 'great, but do it again and this time I want you to exude warmth.' What? I know this is because I don't know what I'm doing, but why do these dudes always sound like they're writing poetry? "Great, but this time I want you to think about the temperature of that emotion, and be aware of the epiphanies that lay ahead." I'm gonna stab you, Confucious. just say 'smiley' or 'angry', some shit like that. You know, like how normal people communicate.

So I do it again (failing to exude warmth), and I think he said 'Great, thanks.' But it sounded a lot like 'well, it's clear you can't act.' Which would be correct, and a familiar response for me. Soon I'll start an acting class, which I'm taking not to get acting work, but just to make auditions less embarassing.

I'm going to go kill myself.